Days just turned into nights, I did everything I mentally could to survive my time in hospital. I saw a psychologist, I listened to relaxation music, I journal wrote all my fears. I knew if I was going to survive this that I would come out of it without depression this was my goal! So I was 32 + 6 weeks woke up in the night to go to the toilet and a rush of blood came out, all my worst fears in that moment became a reality and I had to push that emergency button. Not having control of your own body has got to be the most scariest thing in the world I was a ticking time bomb and I just went off! The bleeding ended up stopping but they needed to deliver our girl that day. I had a double epidural in which I had to do with no support only the doctors hands to hold because of contamination reasons, my husband then came into theatre with me. It was like a movie scene doctors EVERYWHERE and machinery everywhere by that point I was screaming in my head I can't do this I don't want this make it stop! But of course it couldn't they had to deliver Sienna straight away because as soon as they cut me I lost 2 litres of blood while awake my poor husband was watching, she came out perfectly beautiful. I had no idea of anything but I started feeling very sick and I remember telling them to put me asleep. My poor husband in a distraught state was taken out with Sienna and told I wasn't going to survive he then had to tell my anxiously waiting family that their daughter/sister had a baby girl but was not going to survive...
I was in surgery for around 4-5 hrs and lost around 7-8 litres of blood, anything that could go wrong did. They had to pump my main artery to keep the blood flowing to my brain, I had a hysterectomy which I was aware that was more then likely going to happen. My lifeless body was put into ICU and I was under close watch for the next 48 hours as I was at a high risk of having a massive bleed again. Recovery was a struggle I couldn't walk or sit up or stand because I didn't have enough oxygen in my blood so it felt like my body weighed a ton, trying to talk while standing was virtually impossible for me, I just couldn't carry myself after surgery.
Meeting Sienna properly for the first time was a beautiful moment however I felt so very hopeless I
|Our first meeting|
Even though this experience has been by far the worst emotional and physical pain I have ever endured, it has opened my life up to new possibilities and because of it I found myself and I continue to live a happy life because I was shown just how quickly it could of been over. I use to sit in my pain everyday of the what if's and replay everything, grief was the most important part of my process of healing. Crying like I had never cried before ,thinking about it constantly was so important as it helped me to decide when it was time for me to heal. The decision came on my daughters first birthday. I decided that I could no longer do this to myself anymore, that I wanted to be happy and free in my mind so I made a decision to stop wondering about the what if's, because it almost happened but it didn't I'am here. I have my beautiful family and I have learnt so many valuable lessons that could of taken me a life time to learn.